(1) Your own personal cyanide pill. At this point modern medicine can only do so much for you. If you want to check out, you should be able to do so, on your own terms, without explaining to anyone.

(2) The right to use 4-letter words, including the F-bomb, any time, especially when you’re talking to a doctor, an insurance company, or some broker who cold-called you to transfer your IRA to his company. You’d be surprised how much gets done after you call somebody a mother-fucking idiot.

(3) The ability to make a citizen’s arrest of anyone who calls you “honey” or “dear,” especially in a professional setting. If they grew up in South Philly, they can plead mitigating circumstances.

(4) The right to knock somebody on their ass if they grab your arm without permission, thinking they’re being kind and helpful, when in fact they’re being patronizing and controlling. Alternatively you can hand them your big heavy backpack and say, “Oh, that’s so nice, dear – how about carrying this for me?” all the way to the door of your gym.

(5) The right to opt out forever from all age-related mailing lists, especially those invitations from AARP and those newsletters from health care agencies.