Image by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash.
One night I was waiting for a Lyft on a busy street, where cars were parked along the edge. The car was supposed to arrive in 2 minutes, which I knew could be 30 seconds or 10 minutes. So I was out there, looking at my phone, dressed in my usual gym clothes. You could easily see that I had muscles. Or that I liked showing off my fitness.
All of a sudden a couple of young guys appeared out of nowhere.
“Are you all right?” they asked.
“I’m waiting for a Lyft,” I said, surprised.
“Oh, we thought maybe you had lost your car. We were gonna help you find it.”
I don’t even own a car. And maybe they were low-IQ idiots.
But the odds that I was a very fit person waiting for a ride were much greater than the odds I lost my car.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had strangers come up to me and ask if I’m all right. When I have the presence of mind to ask why they think I’m NOT all right, they get angry with me. They claim they’re caring about me.
I get angry too.
First of all, most people can’t tell how old someone is. I hear about 35-year-olds claiming to be “seniors” to get the movie discount.
Second, look at the statistics on disability. People over 65 are only 24% disabled in some way. Even for people over 75, 47% are disabled–less than half.
And look at the numbers on cognitive disability. According to this study from Columbia University, only 10% of the population over 65 has some form of dementia. That means 90% do NOT have dementia. Although the numbers vary depending on the sources you consult, the Seattle Times concurs: the vast majority of people will die with their cognition intact.
What happens is the availability heuristic. After reading a series of news articles about robberies, people become afraid to go out. After reading about plane crashes, people become afraid to board a flight. Statistically, you’re much safer on a plane than driving your own car.
We read a lot of articles about people whose parents were ill, cognitively or physically. We conclude that most “seniors” will be ill, too.
But when we look at prevention, we’re much less concerned. Try asking your doctor what percent of people will be helped by whatever they’re prescribing. Often (maybe most of the time), you have to treat a very large number of people to help a few.
It IS true that age brings disease and death. According to underwriters, if you make it to 80, there’s only a 30% chance you’ll live to see 90. Somehow, 70% of 80-year-olds will die within the next ten years. They’ll die of something: cancer, heart disease, frailty, liver, falls…you name it.
Meanwhile, people who are walking around without assistance are probably doing just fine, thank you very much. Some have canes or walkers but that doesn’t mean they need help. And if someone’s young but walking with a cane or walker, they’re differently abled or injured and they probably don’t want help either.
If they’re s staring at a phone, leave them alone. Especially if they have no assistive devices (like canes or walkers) and they’re wearing shorts and a tee. Especially if they have tight butts and look like they work out. (Did you notice?)
It’s probably because (a) their ride is late, (b) their Uber or Lyft is on the way, or (c) they are consulting a bus or train schedule. Or they stopped to make a quick call explaining why they’re the late ones.
Asking someone who’s behaving normally “Are you all right” is insulting. It perpetuates a stereotype. And it deserves a rude reply like “Fuck off” or “Mind your own business.” At least that’s what I’ll be thinking and maybe even saying out loud.
