Photo by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash.
I don’t look frail or needy…not in the least. But I don’t look 30 years old, either…not even 40.
But I get really mad when people say these 3 things to me:
1 – Are you okay?
There’s nothing wrong with saying this after a car accident. Or after someone’s fallen to the ground and blood is flowing.
But I’m standing at a bus stop. I’m waiting for a bus. No cane. No crutches. No walker. Just a fit-looking person wearing gym clothes. And somebody asks me, “Are you okay, ma’am?” When I ask why I wouldn’t be ok, they get mad. “I was just caring about you.”
In my book, I say I wish people would stop looking at my face. Instead, I say, “Look at my butt. My butt says thirties. My face says … never mind.”
The nonverbal version is someone who reaches out to help me get off a bus. This is infuriating because it can be dangerous. There are liability issues. If they hold out a helping hand, they’re risking being injured. If they touch me to gain attention, they’re invading my space. And if I accept an offer of help, they’re usually 100% liable if anything goes wrong.
2 – “It’s something to pass the time.”
I tell someone about going to work out 3 times a week. Or I say that I’ve got a business, with a website, helping solopreneurs with their marketing.
“That’s nice,” they say patronizingly. “It’s a nice way to pass the time.”
Really? I have to *make* time to exercise. I have to find time to work on my business. I’m not a bored, lonely person who needs to fill time and space.
3 – Are you retired?
This question isn’t bad except that we are attending a networking meeting. We are there to make business connections. If I were retired, why would I be there?
Anyway, why would you ask a loaded question? You might as well say, “You look like you’re a certain age. People your age should be retired. Aren’t you?”
Why not just say politely, “What do you do, careerwise?” That answer will be much more informative.
So why do people say these things?
Many people haven’t seen a healthy person older than a teenager. The recent discussion about Joe Biden focused on a particular person with behaviors unique to that person. The discussion ignores the facts that (a) some people are healthier than Joe Biden; (b) most people at any age would be a little loopy after trying to run the country; and (c) a lot of talk about Biden was filtered through the media.
There’s a tendency to assume people make mistakes because they’re old. If you forget something. If you trip over something. If you say you don’t like loud music in the waiting room.
And most people carry around a mental picture of “old” (which starts at whatever age they choose).
In my book, I write about 2 encounters with medical professionals in the locker room of a gym. A female OB-GYN says, “You are fitter than most of my patients. And they’re young.” Ouch.
And a few years later, in a different gym, I get “You move so easily! You look like nothing hurts.” It doesn’t. The speaker is a geriatric nurse who works with “older” patients. She sees the sickest people in the upper age brackets.
I guess people aren’t used to seeing older people out and about, performing normal activities, not needing help unless they’re playing tye age card (which I’ve been known to do). The “older” people they know are locked away safely in assisted living and they sure as hell don’t work out.
People of all ages are running marathons. People of all ages are being pushed around in wheelchairs. Most are somewhere in between. They’re ordinary people who just want to be left alone as they go about their business, which may be running a business.
I won’t tell you what I say when people talk to me like that. But it’s definitely not G-rated.
