Image by Meg Jenson on Unsplash
Every so often there’s a post on social media.
“I am lonely. I want to move to be closer to family. Should I go?”
Sometimes the letter writer adds:
“I love where I live. I am very happy here. I have housing that I can afford, easily. I made friends. All this will be gone if I move…but I’ll have family nearby.”
Or, “I love everything here but I am SO lonely. Being near my family will solve the loneliness problem.”
I want to scream, NO! Don’t do this!
Remember, the cost of a move goes far beyond the moving van.
The *real* cost of a move is the cost to move back after you realize you’ve made a mistake.
Or you can be miserable for the rest of your life if you can’t move back.
Why are you moving?
(1) Moving to be near the grandchildren?
By the time they’re sixteen, they won’t have time for you. By the time they’re 18, they’ll be (a) in college, most likely away; (b) out of the house and working, living on their own; or (c) in and out of trouble, like prisons and rehabs and halfway houses.
(2) Moving so they’ll be there in case you need help?
I’m betting they won’t be available if you need serious help. They’ll have other commitments.
(3) Moving to hang out with them — the kinds of things you did with them when you visited twice a year?
Every time I have moved (and I’ve moved a lot), I look up my old friends. We do a few things together. Six months later, I’ve got a whole new set of friends. I see the old friends less than I did when I was an occasional visitor.
When I visited occasionally, I was someone special. People made special plans just to see me. After I was there, it was more like, “She’s always here. We can see her anytime.”
If I hadn’t made new friends, I’d be very, very lonely.
(4) Moving to help them because they’re family and there’s nobody else?
This one is especially tricky because there are so many variables. Why can’t they move to be near you? Do they really need your help?
What will you do if they don’t need you anymore? This could happen because they’ve died, gotten better, gotten worse, and moved to a nursing home…or maybe they never needed you in the first place. Yes, this is a little cynical, but it happens.
(5) Moving because you feel at home in the new place? You get to be “you” and you’d live there even if your family disowned you and never spoke to you again.
This is the very best reason to move! If you can afford it emotionally and economically, go for it.
Regardless of why you move, you’ll need to create your own life, sooner or later.
I saw responses to a “Should I move” post. Almost all of them said they regretted moving. One or two disagreed; they were glad they moved, at least so far.
I wrote a book on the stressful parts of moving. I suggest ways to investigate your new home to avoid nasty surprises.
Most of all I recommend that you think through the economics of your move. If you’re going to be living on the edge, you’ll relate differently to friends and family. You’ll be “the poor relation” they feel sorry for, not the special guest who arrives twice a year.
Some places are just plain inhospitable to newcomers. They might like your marital status, sexual orientation, race, or religion. They might be so family-oriented they don’t have time for anybody else. They might be hanging out with their high school friends and have no time for anybody else (and they still consider high school friends the best they ever made).
Some places won’t let you do the things you like to do. To take an extreme example, I don’t know what a ski bum will do in Florida. Some value personal appearance more than others. Some will just dismiss you as “the crazy newcomer.”
When you move to a place that fills your soul, you’ll never be happier.
I moved thirteen years ago and I’m always happy to come home from a trip. I’m glad I lived in places where I felt like an outsider, so I could have the experience. But I’m glad it was temporary. For one example, I don’t miss owning a car and driving everywhere. I actually like taking a bus or subway or Lyft. Not everybody would.
I rarely if ever see the people I knew when I moved here. I spend 99.9% of the time with new friends.
Being lonely is something you have to deal with by making new friends or making your peace with solitude. Moving to be near family might solve the problem…but not always. You don’t want to be the one writing desperately on social media, “How can I get the hell out of here?”
