Today the New York Times republished this article in their Modern Love section. (This is supposed to be a gift link so anyone can read it) The article talked about the author’s misery because she didn’t have a serious boyfriend for 8 years. Was something wrong with her, she wondered?
This essay was written in 2011, about 13 years ago. Today, the topic seems quaint. I don’t know if any woman today could write that article without drawing angry responses.
Yet some of the author’s assumptions are what we see among today’s discussions that lead to ageism: assumptions that these beliefs are universal, that everyone is just like everyone else in a particular demographic.
First, as a proudly childfree single Cat Lady, I am appalled by some statements the author casually tosses out. She implicitly defines “single” as “looking for a husband:”
“My solace came from the place where single women usually find it: my other single friends. We would gather on weekend nights, swapping funny and tragic stories of our dismal dating lives…”
The single women I know have lots better things to do than gather on weekends to talk about their dates. Most of them wouldn’t have anything to add to the conversation.
And maybe she’s attempting to add a touch of humor, but this statement is patently false:
“…we knew our married friends wouldn’t switch places with us, no matter how much they complained about their husbands…”
Every single woman I know can remember at least one conversation with a married woman who envied us. I still remember when a married woman said to me one Christmas, “You can have my fairy tale family holiday. I’ll take your ticket to Paris.” I don’t think she was completely joking.
It’s hard to feel sorry for this woman who spent holidays alone. I feel more sorry for her underpaid career as a freelance journalist who couldn’t afford the therapy she wanted, let alone a cool holiday getaway.
The worst was, “Like single women everywhere, I had bought into the idea that the problem must be me…I needed to be fixed.”
The single women. I know don’t believe they’re a “problem” if they’re single. Some never looked for a relationship; some accepted the outcome and moved on to happy lives as singles. We’re clearly exceptions to “single women everywhere.”
I’d like to think that the ideas expressed in this article seem dated, and also somewhere between funny and frustrating. If you want to find a husband, fine…but you can’t assume everyone is looking in the way you are. You can’t put your life on hold for The Mission.
But then we see articles about getting old.
It’s not unusual to see articles about getting older — many written by people in an advanced age group — assuming everyone has the same perspective.
These articles usually use the second person plural–the deadly “we” sentences. As in, “We all experience some kind of back pain as we get older.” Or, “We older people have lots of wisdom to share.”
It seems that when some people experience problems, they want to reassure themselves that they’re “normal.” They’re just like others in their demographic. Or maybe they really believe all people in a certain demographic (such as age or never-married) feel the same way.
There IS comfort in numbers. Many people look for ways to say, “I am not weird.” If nothing else, you can respond to skeptics.
Recently a nice happily married woman gave me a ride home. She was horrified to learn that I never married. “But…do you manage OK?” she said.
I had to assure her that I do better than manage. I’m a long-time homeowner with a comfortable retirement plan, should I choose to use it. I’ve traveled. I’ve written books. I’ve done lots of things on my own.
But it really helped me to point to the Facebook group, Community of Single People. “There are 8,000 people out there who feel more or less the same way,” I could say.
But I would never claim that there’s such a thing as “single people everywhere.” We’re all over the place.
And I’ll bet there were lots of very, very happy single adults out there when she wrote this article. In fact, I was one of them.