Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash: This could be YOUR holiday!
Someone posted a question in one of my groups: “What do I tell people when I decline their Thanksgiving invitations? I don’t have a real conflict. I just want to be alone.”
The question was posted last week. And I was a little startled.
At one time, people felt very sorry for friends who had no place to go for the holidays. It was especially pitiful if the loners were very young, such as college students. At one point I started going overseas for the holidays because nobody feels sorry for you when you say, “Sorry, can’t come. I’ll be in Madrid.”
But in 2024, I know lots of people who are saying openly, “I don’t want to be with family on the holidays.” We’re seeing lots of “Friendsgiving” celebrations where people come together as friends, not blood relationships. We’re seeing individuals and families who go skiing, traveling, camping or seeking adventure.
I went to an exercise class the day after Thanksgiving. One woman said, “I spent the day alone with my dog.” She had grown children in the area. She donated a dish to their celebration. But she didn’t go.
“It felt a little odd,” she said, “but I enjoyed myself. Maybe next year I’ll want to rejoin the family.”
If you read advice columns (which I do avidly), they almost always include questions like this: “How can I keep my guest list under 20 people?” or, “How can I avoid inviting my obnoxious freeloading brother-in-law?” or, “Whose family do we visit this year without offending the ones we don’t?” You’ll also see questions about misbehaving children and unwanted allergy-generating dogs.
The world has changed. I know lots of people who proudly identify as atheists, agnostics, or otherwise unchurched. They see Christmas as just another day (except how to tell the kids there’s no Santa).
I know lots of people who’d rather get a root canal than spend any holiday with their families. Professional women do not always see themselves as playing a primary role in preparing a holiday meal (and sometimes they just don’t have time)
Blended families? Who doesn’t know at least one? Sometimes the question of “where” becomes more important than “what.”
Most importantly, the adults I know do not think of themselves as “waifs” or “strays.” They do not want to spend a day of their precious time feeling pitied. They do not want to spend a day making small talk with strangers.
If they’re single, they’re not eager to be seated at the kids’ table or with a group of enthusiastically married couples who ask them intrusive questions. When asked “When will you be married,” most people I know feel comfortable saying “Never.” Some will even feel comfortable saying, “Frankly, it’s really none of your business.”h”
And I know a lot of people who say, “My cat Fluffy is my child. I don’t want another one.” You may not like it, but hey, you asked.
We still get questions from people who say, “I’m all alone on the holiday.”
If you’re alone and grieving a death, you have grief issues. Hopefully, you’re working on those, with help, if you need it. That’s beyond my scope.
But suppose you’re alone and you’re operating on a tired old message: “There’s something wrong with you if you don’t have family around you on the holidays.” Then it’s time to discard the message. Do you really want to spend the day making small talk with people who feel sorry for you?
We also don’t need people to feel good about themselves by volunteering. Many soup kitchens have more help than they need, so you’ll feel even worse.
Anyway, you can’t just walk into most places and expect to be welcomed as a volunteer. I see dozens of suggestions to volunteer at an animal shelter…without going through a training course. I even saw one article suggesting you “hold a baby in the NICU.” Are they nuts?
So, in the end, the world has changed. We have fewer nuclear families who hold dinners that could be painted by Norman Rockwell. We recognize that sometimes blood is not thicker than water.
If you don’t have one of those Norman Rockwell families you have an opportunity. You have a free weekend to do whatever you want, alone or with people you really want to be with.
You don’t need to be exhausted trying to please someone’s expectations. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “No thank you” and hiding away with a good book if you are single and/or have grown children who don’t need you.
It’s a free weekend! Find your favorite activity and go do it. No apologies needed. And no need to explain: you’re not alone.
