Image by Jess Bailey on Unsplash. It looks beautiful…but could it be poison?
You haven’t heard from your friend in months. She hasn’t returned your calls. He tried to block your messages.
Or maybe you had a fight with someone and you want to restore the relationship.
So you send a gift. A nice gift you know they’ll like. You hope they’ll be so impressed by the gift they’ll want to reconcile.
Wrong.
A poison gift is one that comes across as manipulative. It’s not given out of pure sentiment. You hope the recipient will do something in return, or at least be moved to be friends again.
Or it’s a regift that doesn’t reflect what they know about you. It’s really about them.
It’s even more common with relatives. My friend’s brother totally disappeared when she needed help. Instead of helping her when she needed support, he sent a gift of flowers. She gave them away.
I’ve done the same thing with poison gifts.
Often the sender sends the gift with the best of intentions. They honestly don’t realize what they’re doing. They may not know there’s a better way.
First, send a gift you know will delight the recipient. If you don’t know their tastes, you probably don’t know them well enough to send a gift. Ask a mutual friend or ask probing questions. “I hope they’ll like it” isn’t going to cut it. Why send a bad gift? I say it’s better to send nothing.
I’ve gotten tea sets when I rarely drink tea; I’m a coffee person. I’ve gotten plants when I can’t grow anything. I got a wall picture of a diver when (a) my walls were full and (b) I don’t like water. I give these things away.
Second, if you want to restore a friendship, ask directly. Invite them out for coffee or a meal (and you pay). Or send a nice letter. Say something like, “I’d like us both to work on building this relationship.”
The other person can say no. They’re adults who choose how. to spend their time. Even if it’s baffling to you, they. may choose not to engage.
Your life will go on. If someone has ghosted you, find new people to add to your life.
They don’t owe you an explanation. Sometimes they don’t have one. Or it may not have anything to do with you. They don’t want to fix it. You can’t force them. It’s time to move on.
Maybe they’ll come back some day and maybe they won’t, Either way, a gift won’t make a difference. In fact, it may drive the wedge deeper.
That’s been my experience and it’s something important to remember, especially at Christmas.
