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Yesterday in the Washington Post, an advice columnist weighed in on this topic. Carolyn Hax dispenses salty wisdom on a regular basis and this was no exception.
A woman’s husband comes from a wealthy family. They chose to have a family reunion at an undisclosed overseas luxury spa. And since the letter writer’s family. couldn’t afford the trip, they’d offer her a fund.
It would be a big event with 160 people. Lots of commenters thought it would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the kids.
The woman wanted to decline. Her family drove 10-year-old cars, lived paycheck to paycheck, and struggled to pay for their kids’ college.
Carolyn said to accept the reward. Most readers agreed. It was interesting to see how many of them called the woman selfish and prideful.
I say we don’t have enough info. Some readers did wonder why the other family members were so rich and this one was so needy. Was he left out of the trust funds for a reason? Did he choose to work in a mundane job? We don’t know how many children they have or how old they are. If. they’re really young, they won’t. remember much; if they’re teens, they’ll be sensitive to slights and economic differences.
The comments also noted a more mundane point: some expenses might not be covered yet they’d add up. Extra meals, tipping, excursions, even boarding the dog.
“They want you there,” some commenters said. “They value your presence.”
And that’s where I would ask: What does it mean for someone to want you there? People have different reasons for wanting family members — and others — to be present. And you have to weigh the emotional cost.
I once had a friend who didn’t have much money. It was a combination of bad career choices, bad life choices, and health issues.
Her brother, a wealthy professional, wanted her to attend his son’s wedding. He offered to pay her plane fare and hotel. She still had to come up with money for a dress and a gift. But she did. After all, she said, they were family.
But at the wedding, she was seated with couples she didn’t know. She was single. It was, she said, like being at the kids’ table.
And then they left her out of the photo ops! She left for a few minutes to visit the bathroom. When she emerged, the photos were dispersing. Nobody else seemed to notice, let alone care.
She came away feeling that her brother was adding her to a scorecard. Relative A, check. Relative B, check. He wanted to be able to say that Aunt Tillie was there.
You’d have to know the people. Are you being invited as a trophy, so the host can say you attended?
This could be another form of a poison gift. It seems kind, but there’s an underlying motive.
“We really want you to be there” doesn’t mean much. You might be invited for all the wrong reasons.
