Image by Kate Stone Matheson on Unsplash. This is what a real sweetheart looks like.
A long time ago — somewhere in the 1930’s – there was a famous song, Let Me Call You Sweetheart. You can look up renderings by Bing Crosby, Patti Page, and lots of others.
It’s a syrupy song about calling someone “sweetheart” as a sign of love. And I have no problem with using the term that way, if that’s what you want.
Yesterday I was on the way to my workout studio, a walk of about 7 city blocks. As I was crossing a side street without signals, I stopped politely to let a woman cross on her bike. I’ve learned that bikes follow their own rules and when they come, it’s best to get out of their way. At least that’s how it works in South Philadelphia.
The woman called out, “Go ahead, sweetheart!”
Are you kidding me?
I don’t think Miss Manners would approve, but I reacted automatically. I told her in no uncertain terms that I am not anyone’s “sweetheart.”
I resisted the temptation to say, “If you call me sweetheart, I’ll call you a motherfucking idiot.” Miss Manners would have a heart attack.
What’s so bad about “sweetheart?”
It’s a term of endearment, not a term of respect. You wouldn’t kiss or hug a complete stranger you met on the street. You aren’t lovers. If you treated someone like your lover, you’d be considered invasive and possibly abusive. Why would you call somewhat “sweetheart?”
It’s also a term of affection for young children. We see a demonstration in this pseud-commercial by Ellen Degeres, where Ellen calls a young girl “sweetie” and “sweetheart.”
You probably don’t call your boss “sweetie” or “sweetheart.”
You probably didn’t call your parents by these endearments until they got old. That should tell you something.
It’s not a matter of taking offense. It’s about sharing the findings of published research. An article in PubMed identifies “elderspeak” as including inappropriate terms of endearment, such as “sweetie.” They point out that such inappropriate speech often occurs in medical settings and leads to negative consequences for meaningful interaction.
It’s not a small thing. The practice of elderspeak normalizes the practice of ageism and of infantilizing older adults, regardless of their cognitive and physical abilities. It’s like saying an older person can be compared to a young child or a pet.
That’s why it’s important to speak out when you’re a victim of elderspeak. Speak loudly and, if necessary, rudely.
In medical settings, you are often invited to comment on interactions after your visit. If you’re too intimidated to speak up during a visit, be sure to say something and maybe send a reference like the one I’ve made above.
If you want to go to extremes and say something like, “Call me sweetie and I’ll call you a motherfucking idiot,” you have my permission to do so. There’s a chapter in my book that’s called exactly that. If we all did this, the world would change and would be more hospitable to “older” people.
