Photo by Roman Odintsov on Pexels.
When advising older people, a lot of authors and speakers make the distinction between “doing” and “being.” In a recent interview with James Martin, SJ, Joyce Rupp emphasizes that older people have to “be” more than “do.” James Martin quoted his novice director: “We are human beings, not human doings.”
A lot of “experts” advise older people to focus more on “being” than “doing.” This is supposed to make up for the fact that as we get older, our roles diminish. Our actions become less meaningful. Society assigns us fewer and fewer activities. Often “being” rather than “doing” is less of a choice than a prescription.
I am reminded of a well-known book, Solitude, by the British psychiatrist Anthony Storr. Dr. Storr reminds us that Freud talked of love and work, yet most of us focus solely on love. Some people prefer to concentrate on work. They have less interest in relationships.
As a society, we are just now beginning to appreciate this difference. We have a group on Facebook, Community of Single People, which had 9700 members last time I looked. Yes, that’s almost 10,000 people who have no interest in marriage or even dating.
That would have been unheard of even twenty years ago, and, in some cultures, the idea still seems bizarre. I mean, who wouldn’t want a family? Apparently, lots of us.
Storr’s book has resonated with thousands, maybe millions, of people.
Writing in Psychology Today, Gregg Levoy recognizes the inherent contradiction:
“”…there’s no way to stop the doing mode. It isn’t in the nature of nature to cease doing, and life is always out on the dance floor doing the twist and shout, every body a busy body, from the molecular level to the celestial.”
Additionally, some people simply prefer “doing” to “being.” After all, one’s “being” is expressed in actions. If I want to make inferences about who you are, I will look at your behavior. You don’t wear a sign saying “Here’s who I am.”
Lavoy differentiates:
“The doing mode is characterized by the gap between how things are and how you want them to be…the being mode is closer to a state of acceptance of things as they are … and allows you to appreciate and enjoy the richness of the present moment, and the things you have achieved.” You get to enjoy freedom from “the endless attachment to striving.”
This advice sounds remarkably like the patronizing comments I hear about growing old gracefully. Older people are advised to accept whatever befalls them. We’re supposed to give up gainful employment and settle for enjoying the moment.
For some people, this advice is pure gold — even a relief. For others, “acceptance” creates just the opposite.
The truth is, I don’t need to attain the summit of pure being. Those who’ve managed to attain that state—and stay there—tend to have religions named after them.
Gregg Levoy, the author, suggests making space for emptiness and taking breaks from the endless tyranny of the “to do” list. Good advice, of course, but not earth-shattering. Most successful people have learned to take breaks to be able to keep going.
But remove the “to do” list altogether?
If you don’t move at all, you might as well be a rock or some other inanimate object. And if you don’t have some version of a “to do” list — even a vague plan — you have no goals and no intention for the future.
It’s like going to the nearest train station and choosing a train randomly, saying, “I’ll go wherever it takes me. And I’ll stay there.”
Maybe the train will surprise you by taking you to a really good place. But I’d like to have more awareness of my destiny and (dare I say it) more control over my destination.
