From depositphotos.
Getting older doesn’t come with a handbook, but it does come with a lot of myths. People—sometimes even other seniors—carry around a set of assumptions about what life after 65 must look like.
Most of them are false. Some are insulting. And a few are downright dangerous.
1. Older people must be lonely.
A 90-year-old is praised for moving into a retirement community “to avoid loneliness.” But retirement communities can be cliquish and isolating.
In my recent book, I wrote about a doctor who brought a New York Times and flowers to his “lonely” patient. Why assume she was lonely? Maybe she had friends in another state. Maybe her friends were busy. I’d feel better too if my doctor treated me like a three-dimensional person instead of a disease or a number.
A YouTube video shows a man handing out flowers to “lonely” elders. Nice gesture—unless you’re like me, giving flowers away so the cat won’t eat them and rack up another vet bill.
And then there are the videos of strangers offering to join someone dining alone. Why assume they’re lonely? Maybe they’re enjoying their own company—and a good book.
2. If you’re older and alone, you must need help.
Standing on a street corner with your iPhone, waiting for an Uber? Strangers assume you’re lost.
One stranger said to me, “You look old. My mom is old. She needs a lot of help. So I figure you would too.”
I just got back from Italy, where I often was lost. Nobody offered help. They assumed I’d figure it out. I did.
3. If you’re dining with a younger person, you must be their parent, grandparent, or helpless patient.
What’s so hard about imagining cross-generational friendships? Why not assume the diners are equals?
4. Older people are supposed to be endlessly patient.
Wait three hours for a doctor? You’re expected to smile and say nothing. Complain, and you’re “difficult.”
Aches, pains, or disabilities? Smile through them. Get insulted? “Lighten up.”
Lose one thing? Gain another.
Can’t work for market pay? Volunteer for free.
Trouble walking? Use a cane—you “won’t notice the difference.”
Sure.
Some people think other species or even other races have a different capacity for pain. They extend this belief to people who are “older.” They figure either you feel pain less or you’re more used to it. Either way, it’s cruel.
5. Older people must be mentally deficient.
You can’t use a computer. You’re thrilled to be called “sweetheart.” You’d rather have a hug than a scientific explanation if you get a serious diagnosis.
But “sweetheart” is for children and cats (I call my cat “sweetie” and she doesn’t mind). Older adults are not children.
6. If you’re not a picture of health, it’s your fault.
Articles proclaim: “How to improve your health at any age!” Or “Live longer in 5 easy steps.”
Reality check: Only 40% of cancers are avoidable. The rest are hereditary. I worked for “buns of steel” and still got hip arthritis. The doctor just shrugged and said, “It happens.”
Hearing loss, cataracts, macular degeneration—often hereditary. Money helps, but socioeconomic status remains the biggest predictor of how “healthy” your old age will be.
7. The biggest fear must be dying.
Wrong. Many older people fear helplessness more than death. They’d rather be dead than dependent. They’d rather be dead than enter a nursing home.
Yet most research is about suicide prevention and extending life at all costs. I’ve read countless studies on how to keep older people alive. But I’ve never seen a study of elders who were prevented from ending their lives, whether through lack of access to assisted dying or suicide prevention.
We assume they’re grateful. But where’s the evidence?
Often, the focus is less on the older person’s quality of life and more on keeping younger survivors—sons, daughters—happy.
Final thought
The problem isn’t just that these assumptions are wrong. It’s that they erase individuality. They flatten older people into stereotypes: lonely, helpless, grateful, deficient, or afraid.
The truth? Older people are as varied and complex as anyone else. And the biggest danger isn’t age itself—it’s believing the myths
