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The Missing Question in the Research on Aging Alone
A recent article from the AARP represents an example of research that distorts the reality of single people who choose to live alone. The article focuses on people who are “aging solo.” A sociology professor from the Institute for Health & Aging at UCSF calls it an “unprecedented” change…a reality check that times have changed.”
The article gets that right, but distorts the perception of solo agers in two ways.
First, and most seriously, the article lumps together people who are voluntarily single with those who are formerly coupled.
There’s no indication that the researchers asked anyone – including the “never married” – how they feel about living alone. Are they living alone because they value solitude or are they forced by circumstances? Do they feel fulfilled or have they embraced the belief that being single is a deficit?
And are people who have lived alone a long time different from those who have just begun to be alone (e.g., newly divorced) and have not yet learned the skills of singlehood, whether they want to or not?
And second, the research fails to address two key questions. Are these problems specific to solo agers or do they reflect the problems common to Americans of all ages and household sizes? And second, do these problems reflect the amount of time people have lived alone?
Problems of lumping “live alones” together
For example, the article says that two in five – 40% of the sample – said the worst parts of aging alone were “loneliness and isolation.”
Fair enough. But here’s the catch. The study – with 503 single subjects – included “never-married, divorced, separated or widowed.” No distinction was made for those who were voluntarily single – what Bella DePaulo calls “single at heart.” No distinction was made for those who had been “divorced, separated, or widowed.”
Even the “never married” aren’t always single by choice. You can live a very coupled life without getting married. And some people live a lifetime of regret, feelings of failure and a sense of missing something.
We don’t know if formerly married missed their ex-spouses, resented living alone (and lacked the skills to be single even if they wanted to), and maybe searched for a new spouse, as compared to those who never looked back and were now happily single with no plans to date or marry again.
So let’s look at that number: 40% report feelings of “loneliness and isolation.” Therefore it’s statistically possible that 100% of those who resent their solo status feel lonely, while zero percent of the “single at heart” report those feelings.
We don’t know whether that’s true. However, the study design makes it impossible to tell.
It’s not just solo agers – it’s the general population
The article assumes certain problems are unique to solo agers, when actually they are found among the general population.
For example, the article points out that many solo agers have no plan and no resources for a health crisis, like a heart attack.
But we can compare answers from people who don’t live alone. According to a 2021 Gallup poll, 53% of Americans over 50 had a will, and 76% of those over 75.
They also asked the research question, “Do solo agers feel financial stress?” And of course the answer is “yes.”
But the presence of financial stress is not unique to solo agers.
If you asked a solidly middle-class married couple – especially with young children – the same question, you’d get the same answer.
In fact, the Federal Reserve estimates that 37% of the population couldn’t come up with $400 to cover an emergency. Clearly, the problem of “financial stress” isn’t limited to solo agers.
Ideally, you’d compare people of the same age and income brackets, living alone versus living with others, by choice or by circumstances.
For those living alone by choice, financial stress may be nonexistent – or may be preferred as a choice rather than living with others. Some people might prefer to live alone in a shack rather than live with others in a palace!
More thorough research might even show that living with others can be costly. You’re exposed to financial fraud. You may be responsible for debts and actions of co-residents.
People change as they live solo.
The study was what researchers call cross-sectional – looking at one moment in time and ignoring how the numbers might change over a period of years.
A person who’s newly divorced or widowed needs time to learn the skills of singlehood, become more self-sufficient, and learn how to use resources and services.
I would expect a person who’s lived alone for a lifetime to have developed new skills and an awareness of resources they can call on. In online forums, people living solo point out they can deal with anything from a medical crisis to a dead mouse.
Summary
In many respects, the problems of aging alone are a microcosm of the problems of the larger community. For instance, health care costs can be outrageous even for a solidly middle-class family, not just a solo ager. Many cities do not have decent public transportation.
As an experienced single-for-life person who’s growing older, I’d say the biggest problem is teaching others (especially the medical community) how to deal with people who live alone by choice and who are voluntarily and happily single. Articles like this one distort reality.
As Bella DePaolo says in her book, single-at-heart people do not want forced companionship to alleviate a non-existent loneliness. They’ve taken self-sufficiency to a new level, and they’re remarkably good at setting boundaries and solving problems.
Articles like this do us “single at heart” people a major disservice. They reinforce the deficit model of singlehood – the idea that being single means “something is missing.” Reinforcing this model will also reinforce stereotypes and false beliefs, ultimately leading to inappropriate responses by services.
When we talk about “solo agers,” we can focus more on the “solo” than the agers. That should lead to a more realistic and more hopeful perspective.
