Image by artellliii72 on Pixabay.
I’ve read so many posts lately that begin this way
“I could use some help in making decisions.”
“I wish I had someone to share the rent.”
“I got some really bad news and I’d like to share.”
Comments like these arise from a certain set of beliefs. “Partners provide help. I want help, so I want a partner. I see couples X, Y and Z. I want what they have.”
But while I enjoy these people and look forward to spending time with them, I don’t envy them, even for a minute. I’m an example of what Bella DePaulo calls “single at heart.” I’ve always known that I’d be my own best source of support.
I know several people who are happily married or living with supportive partners. They help each other make decisions, share funds and are there for each other.
But people sometimes mistake a desire for support, companionship, guidance, or practical help for a desire for a romantic partner”
I’ve come to see that embarking on a relationship often fails to fill the dream of assuming something constant. It’s easy to believe that finding a partner means finding someone who will be the solution to many problems, from getting new tires to the car to disposing of a dead mouse to proviing emotional support for a crisis or decision.
In fact, they’re placing at least three bets that a partner will be the answer.
The first bet is that your partner will always be there for you.
Your partner pitches in to make decisions, shoulder some burdens, pay their share, and above all, be a major source of support.
And then something happens. They decide to leave. They become unavailable. Maybe they’ve always been the breadwinner and now they lost their job, as well as their motivation to find another one.
The partner left standing has to learn new skills. They’ve never been alone before. They don’t know how to do the things their partner did.
“Janice” seemed to have a storybook marriage to a great guy. She posted about their romance with evocative lines about their great sex life. He seemed to be a perfect father. And now she’s divorced. It was messy. She said she’d been suffering for years. He said she was unfaithful. We’ll never know.
But if you’d taken a snapshot during the years she was married, you’d think she had everything. But if you’d taken another snapshot right after the divorce, the picture would have been very different.
The second bet is that your partner will be helpful and supportive.
I knew” Nancy” as a teaching colleague from way back when I was a professor. She was married to a handsome professional I’ll call “Vince.” They had three lovely children.
Nancy was really good at her job and soon applied to a more prestigious university for a more competitive position. The application process was getting rough. It would be easy to think, “At least she has a husband to support her.”
But in fact, Vince’s comments lowered her self-confidence. “You might be getting in over your head,” he said. “Are you sure you’re qualified?”
Nancy got the job and went on to win awards and promotions. I lost track of her for many years and when I came across her online presence, she was listed as “divorced.”
The third bet is that your partner will remain as the the person you chose.
Your partner might start out as a rock you can count on. But they might undergo a personality change. They might be affected by a traumatic experience or a mental illness. They might do something illegal.
You not only lose a supportive resource. You have to step up to deal with a new set of problems, and ths time you’re on your own. That happened to someone I met; they became their spouse’s caregiver after a dementia diagnosis.
In a less extreme example, I heard a talk show episode, one partner decides to join the police force; the other had never considered being in in a relationship with a cop. It would mean round-the-clock stress, late nights alone and a change to the partner’s psychological state.
An end to couple envy
A lot of single people honestly believe that having a partner will make life easier. Sometimes it does, as long as you understand the assumptions you’re making.
Some of those singles are actively looking for a partner; some mostly enjoy the single life but have occasional “if only” twinges. Those of us who are single at heart (the term used by Bella DePaulo) rarely if ever have those moments, especially if we’ve been single all our lives.
So yes, the belief system often works. I’ve heard people say, “My partner is my rock and my best friend.”
But saying “I need help” doesn’t always lead to the conclusion, “I need a partner to help.” Sometimes the partner can’t or won’t help. Many of us “single at heart” people have learned to say, “I need a solution to a problem.”
In her books and videos, Bella DePaulo says, “Married people have The One. Single people have The Ones.” That way if one resource becomes unavailable you have another one. And you’ve learned to identify solutions in the community beyond looking to the One Partner. Som
Ironically, strong people also attract the best partners. When you lean on someone too heavily they’ll break. And usually when that happens you’re almost always much worse than you were before.
