Image from Depositphotos.
“I’m working on a project about being single,” I answered the “What’s your next book about?” question.
He laughed. “I’m seeing lots of videos and articles about single people everywhere! Doesn’t everybody get it?”
In one sense, I agree with his view, which I’ve heard from many people.
But the truth is, you’re seeing a lot of pro-single material because you are identified as someone who’s interested. Readers with a more traditional view — who think marriage is the “normal” way to go — may not be seeing them.
How most of the world treats single people
As a certified lifelong single person, I’ve found that the people you’d expect to be most aware often are the most clueless. It happens whether we’re dealing one-to-one with friends or with faceless organizations.
I was chatting with a man I’ve known through a mutual group membership. He’s avidly looking for someone to marry. He seems to believe marriage will mean coming home to a hot meal rather than being in love, but that’s another story. He is surprised when I tell him I’ve never married. “I thought you were divorced,” he said. “You seem happy!”
A lifetime single person happy? Imagine!
A medical tech asked me if I regret not having children.
My grocery delivery service features economy-size options. I’ve pointed out that in my city, one-third of the homes are single-occupied and suggested, “Why not a special for singles?”
Medical staff can be especially obtuse. A few years ago I was preparing for outpatient eye surgery. I asked for post-op instructions. “You’ll get them later,” I was told. Somehow, nobody had ever put together that if you’re too groggy to go home without a ride, you’ll be too groggy to understand instructions, and you might not have someone standing by to go to the drugstore.
How will things change?
I believe we single people have to become more outspoken as advocates. It can be exhausting and tiresome, but we need to speak up. From my experience I’m making these suggestions.
First, let people know if you’re single and happy.
You may be the first happy single they’ve ever met — at least, who admits it. Many people can’t use “being single” and “being happy” in the same sentence.
Second, it’s helpful to prepare a response to zingers, like, “Why aren’t you married yet?”
I recommend a polite version and a snarky version. Polite usually means changing the subject or saying something like, “It’s not my thing.” Be prepared for disbelief and follow-ups.
The snarky answers are more fun. You can flip the script (“Why are you married?”) or be more direct. When I had travel jobs, I used to say, “Why be a maid when you can have one?” Now it sounds a little obnoxious, but it got the point across.
You can always say politely, “It’s a personal decision” before changing the subject. Rather than educate everyone, I’ve found it helpful to make the point that “this question is intrusive and shouldn’t be asked.”
Third, we need to make our voices heard when we see ads or encounter institutional behaviors that prejudge single people. Craig Wynne of our Facebook group, Community of Single People, wrote to a movie theater that had advertised something like, “Movies are more fun with a partner.” The theatre wrote back an apology: it hadn’t occurred to them that their behavior might be anti-single.
That’s the ideal situation: You educated them and got a response that shows they learned.
In my experience, health care systems are the worst. They may assume you’re helpless if you don’t have a partner or child. Let the Patient Services department of your hospital know when you’re treated unfairly or insulted; if necessary, write to the Chief of Staff or the hospital CEO. Point out the consequence: research shows that people who don’t trust the medical system will be non-compliant and avoid care.
Write to politicians about government actions that hurt singles. Point out that you’re a voter who’s left out of most family-friendly programs. They really do read those letters. It will take a while, but eventually it will happen.
So in the end…
We can answer the question, “Don’t most people get it?” with a resounding “No.” Anyone who’s single will continue to encounter people who think marriage is the “normal” lifestyle and who (often unconsciously) create barriers and obstacles for single people, all the while expecting them to be lonely and miserable. We need to help them discover the truth.
