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An article begins: “At my age I should move to assisted living.” That age could be 62, 75, 81, or 92. The only reason they give for that decision is their age.
A doctor told me, “My parents did fine till they were 80. Then things fell apart and I had to watch them go into a nursing home.”
My friend told me his mother felt “done” at 67: she faced a cancer diagnosis, didn’t want the treatments, and was ready to go.
These stories get responses like: “But that’s so young!” Or “I’m much older and I’m doing great!”
In fact, these stories suggest that people experience what I call a threshold moment: there’s no longer a continuation of “life as we know it” and instead it’s “the beginning of the end.” It’s not entirely about actual circumstances; it’s also about the meaning you assign those circumstances.
An event that triggers the threshold moment will vary enormously from person to person. For some, an end to driving will be an end to “life as we knew it.” For others, like me, living in a city means not noticing when you no longer can drive.
Here’s the catch: this threshold doesn’t occur at the same age for everyone.
When the 80 year olds faced down the possibility of a nursing home, it wasn’t because they were 80; they just happened to be 80 at the threshold moment. The age when it happens is determined by a combination of luck, heredity, accidents, and in some cases, lifestyle.
When the 67-year-old gave up, it wasn’t because she was 67.
For some people, that moment can come when they’re very old but the responses can be different.
Australian scientist David Goodall sought help with assisted dying in Switzerland when he was 104: life no longer held meaning.
On the other hand, Olga Kotelko kept competing in senior track and field events till she was in her 90s — and was stopped only when she died unexpectedly of a brain clot.
In the book Being Mortal, Atul Gawande says each person has a different answer to the question, “What will make life meaningful for you?” One man said he wants to be kept alive if he can eat chocolate ice cream and watch football; a woman wanted to be able to get on the floor and play with her grandchildren.
I’ve always said my moment will be when I can’t walk to exercise class on my own twice a week or when I have one too many medical appointments. It’s about being able to function easily and independently and my own negative associations with the medical field.
The threshold moment comes with a wide variety of markers, milestones, and situations. But it has nothing to do with calendar age.
Saying, “It’s time to do this because I’m 62” or “It won’t be time till I’m 90” is missing the point. We can’t judge a person’s experience from their age. Instead we can focus on the context of life and values, and respect the way they interpret them.
