Photo by Van Mailian on Pexels.
Single at heart, happier with age, and done apologizing
Recently I listened to a really good TV segment featuring Bella DePaulo. She was, of course, talking about being single and promoting her latest book, Single at Heart.
What disturbed me was the hosts’ reaction, at least at first. “People want what they don’t have,” they said. “If you’re single, you want to be married.”
They did acknowledge that Bella DePaulo tells a different story. If you’re single, sometimes you want to be single. You’re not wishing you were married.
But then they pivoted to what they framed as the negative aspects of being single.
“If you’re single, you don’t have to explain yourself,” they said. “You make your own decisions. You don’t have to explain yourself.”
Many happily married people can’t imagine being single. Ever since they can remember, they looked forward to the wedding and to home-cooked meals for life.
Someone even replied to one of my articles with the bizarre idea that people are single only because they can’t find a mate. The commenter suggested that a woman over 35, fully self-supporting and happy alone will have trouble finding a partner. To which I replied, “She’s probably not looking.”
In fact, many people can’t imagine living alone, even temporarily. I remember meeting one woman who had been having serious problems with her live-in girlfriend. The girlfriend wasn’t paying her share. She was temperamental. I don’t remember the rest. What I do remember is asking, “Why don’t you separate?”
She answered, “I don’t want to be alone.”
She was genuinely surprised by the question. She assumed that anyone, gay or straight, would rather be coupled.
But being single and living alone can be just as positive as being married and living with a partner.
In the interview, Bella suggests that single people savor time alone instead of fearing it. If you don’t put a partner on a pedestal, she says, you have many people committed to you. Married people have the one. Single people have the ones.
Being single can be a validating, joyous, rich life. It’s not about “settling.” It’s not about saying, “I don’t want to be married.” It’s about saying, “Wow, I get to be single.”
The hosts were incredulous that Bella had been single her whole life. Bella said she has no dating horror stories. She was simply happy when relationships ended. She got to return to her single life.
“Do you take trips by yourself?” the hosts asked.
Bella assured them that yes, you can. I admire her ability to keep a straight face. I wanted to laugh. I’ve never traveled any other way.
Bella also raised an important issue and did it without bitterness. Being single, she said, is a social justice cause. Many laws exist to protect only people who are legally married. I would add that other institutions do the same, especially hospitals. There are plenty of amenities for married couples, but I have never heard of a hospital or medical professional who acknowledged the specific needs of single people.
Finally, the hosts mentioned another show they had done on aging. Apparently some “older” people had offered this advice to younger ones: “Don’t get married.”
They finally put it together.
Single people often find it easier to get older. They are more likely to have multiple people in their lives. They are less likely to be lonely.
Yes, married people can split up tasks. They can also fight about who does what. And if they divorce, they suddenly take on new roles and have to learn how to do everything on their own.
One host concluded, “Well, I won’t get divorced and become single. But the next time I meet someone who’s single, I’m going to mind my own business.”
Of course, I’d rather hear her say, “Right on, sister. The world needs more people like you.”
But this is a good start.
