Photo from Depositphotos: Cat draws a line.
A single man (“Bill”) saves up his money and buys a house with a swimming pool. His brother, sister-in-law and three children want to come over to swim. Bill says no: I don’t want to be responsible for the safety of children who tend to be uncontrollable. The brother waits for a time when Bill won’t be home and sneaks the family in to use the pool. Bill comes home to find these unauthorized users.
“Alice,” a happy single childless woman, faces her sister’s request: “Can you watch the kids for a few hours while my husband and I go off for date night?” Alice says, “I have to be somewhere else at eight. This is firm.” The sister says, “Why? You don’t have any obligations; you’re just being selfish.” The parents came home several hours late, having turned their phones off as soon as they left.
More stories about annoying relatives? They’re really stories about a critical skill that happy single people learn. They’re based on a very funny YouTube video series “JK Stealing the Internet” that in turn is based on the Reddit group, “Am I the A——?”
“Bill” actually called the police. The cops came, viewed security videos of the family sneak-in, and issued a citation and warning.
“Alice” had to make calls to change her plans. The parents didn’t come home when they promised and even shut off their phones so Alice couldn’t call them.
Both “Alice” and “Bill” set boundaries. Bill enforced his; Alice didn’t. Many commenters thought Alice also should have reported the children as abandoned; after all, it’s hardly responsible to turn off your phone when you have a babysitter.
Being willing to call the police may sound extreme. But many single people are probably cheering for Bill – not because he called the police, but because he enforced a boundary. And setting boundaries is a skill that happy single people learn and use.
Why do we need boundaries?
Coupled people make all kinds of assumptions about single people. They assume they can influence our time, home, vacation, and priorities. They assume we can be counted on as a free resource to help them. That’s because they assume if you don’t have a spouse and kids, you have infinite time on your hands, and you’d love to help with their children.
Bella DePaulo has a laugh-aloud story in her book, Single at Heart, about assumptions people make that aren’t as serious but are extremely common.
It was the day after 9/11, and she’d been on the phone all day. She was exhausted when a neighbor called to say, “I was thinking about you being all alone and thought you’d want someone to talk to.” Obviously the neighbor associated “single” with “being alone” or even “lonely.”
An Essential Superpower You Can Learn
So based on these stories, and others too painful to tell, I’d say the number one superpower of successful single people is establishing boundaries. Boundaries come with an “or else” that can be as mild as saying “no” and walking away or as strong as calling the police.
You’re inviting me on a group vacation where all the single people share a room? That’s a firm “No. I’m not coming.”
You asked me an invasive personal question? Keep doing this and we’re no longer friends.
I’m supposed to eat at the kids’ table because I’m single? I just remembered I have to be someplace else.
Sure, some friends and families react badly. Setting a boundary carries risk. But what does the relationship look like when people don’t respect your boundaries? Will they keep pushing you and testing your limits for years to come? Do they see you as a mature, responsible, independent adult?
For me, one “no” answer is enough to disqualify them from having a place in my life. You’ll have to decide on your own. Going along just to keep the peace? It’ll be much harder to set boundaries later on.
Setting boundaries isn’t mean. You’re educating others about their assumptions.
For a long time, those assumptions weren’t challenged. If you were a spinster, you were a sad little person who couldn’t find someone to take care of you. If you were a bachelor, you were a carefree, selfish person who loved playing “rich uncle” to other people’s children.
Alas, many otherwise intelligent people hold fast to these stereotypes. Not everyone has read a book on single people.
Fortunately, this superpower of setting boundaries is a skill that can be learned, even if it can be challenging at first. It doesn’t have to be something you’re born with. I’ve seen what happens when single people first experience the joy that comes from the power of taking control of their own lives, gaining more freedom than they believed was possible.
