Photo by Rita E on Pixabay.
“If I had a partner, I could…”
A lot of posts by single people writing about their lives begin this way. For instance:
“If I had a partner, I could take a leave of absence from my job while I figure out what to do next
“If I had a partner, I could have a shoulder to cry on when I come home after a bad day.”
“If I had a partner, I would have someone to stay with me during a health crisis.”
These statements are true…sometimes. But each time I want to write a response:
If you had a partner, you might be under even more pressure to maintain a steady income. Your style of living might call for two incomes. Your partner could be laid off involuntarily.
If you share your bank account, your partner might develop a gambling addiction or a belief in retail therapy.
Years ago, my friend “Irene” was offered a job with more pay and prestige than her current one. To her surprise, her husband tried to dissuade her. He attacked her self-esteem: “Are you really ready to do that job?”
Fortunately, she had a therapist and several friends who encouraged her to accept the job, where she performed magnificently.
A male friend told me he wants a partner who will give him a delicious, nutritious hot meal every evening. I wished him luck. Some partners can’t be trusted to boil an egg.
A female friend confided that her husband was useless at hanging pictures and giving her rides to medical appointments; she loved him, but he wasn’t the answer to her everyday problems.
And not every partner will be supportive after a bad day. Theirs might be even worse.
Don’t get me wrong. I know people who were happily married for forty or fifty years, to the same person. They love their lives.
And it’s not always smart to make decisions based on how you answer the question, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
But it’s also not wise to look only at the positive. People write to advice columnists: “My spouse wasn’t there when I needed him.” Or, “My spouse was so supportive when we first married. She’s changed so much in the past year.”
How I’d Answer
Here’s how I’d answer these posts, based on my credentials as a certified single person and casual observer of the coupled world:
First, if you want to be single, recognize the trade-off. When you hit a rough spot, you won’t have a partner. But you won’t have someone to make it worse either.
Happily single people can be remarkably self-sufficient. They know how to navigate life. They know when to DIY and when to hire help. I’ve heard my fellow singles say, “I’d rather live in a small, cramped apartment and be alone than live in a big house and share space.”
We make our own choices. I rarely spend time and money eating out, but it would take a death threat for me to give up my cleaning service.
Second, be aware that partners don’t come with guarantees. You might be one of those with a 50-year happy marriage.
Or you might be like “Jane,” who seemed to have everything going for her – a beautiful child, a fantastic house, a happy family life – all dissolved in a memorable, messy divorce. Or your life can come apart when a partner loses a job, becomes long-term disabled, or even dies.
Some coupled people recognize the nature of the gamble, like my friend “Ann,” who had always made herself marketable and kept her own stash of funds. When her husband came home one day and announced, “I want out,” she was devastated but not destroyed.
So for coupled people, the answer lies in knowing you can function if your world falls apart. For single people, it’s keeping fairy godmothers and Prince Charmings out of the planning process.
