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I wondered about this topic after reading about people who want to hear sounds around them even if they’re alone. I saw posts all over the Internet saying that people – single or otherwise – talk to themselves, their inanimate objects, their plants and of course their pets.
I have always been single and always lived alone as an adult. When I had a dog, I gave her commands. I rarely converse with the cat; she’s not a good listener and she rarely talks to me. I call her over by yelling “Hey cat!” or making scratching noises. I don’t talk to my vacuum cleaner or any other objects.
It seemed to me that people who are really “Single at Heart” (Bella DePaulo’s term) would want to enjoy silence as well as solitude. So I asked the Facebook group Community of Single People.
And I was surprised at the answers. I’d always assumed people who liked being single wouldn’t want to hear voices, including their own, when they’re home alone. And indeed a few people said, “Never.”
But a lot of people talk to themselves in very diverse ways.
Almost 80 people responded to the original question so at least this group found the question interesting. Based on my unscientific, not-too-careful countdown, here’s what I found:
- Some people talk out loud as a way to organize their thoughts, make decisions or plan.
- One person reports singing to themselves.
- Some people yell at the TV during a game. They also yell at other drivers who make dumb moves and they curse themselves when they drop or bump into something.
- Only a couple of people talk to inanimate objects. One person talks to their bike.
- A few people made snarky or humorous remarks. A couple of people say they talk to themselves to have intelligent conversations.
- Three people said they thought talking to themselves was related to their being neurodivergent. Talking aloud helped them process information.
The largest category – by far -was people who talk to animals. A few people talk to live animals they encounter on the way to doing other things: the spiders who get into the house or the cows they see in pastures.
But almost a quarter of the respondents reported talking to their cats. A few said they respond when the cat talks first. Two people talked to birds – hummingbirds and cockatiels. Many people talked to their dogs but the cats were the most likely conversation partners.
So I’m going to have to revise my thoughts.
I was unconsciously reflecting the stereotypes of happy single people: I assumed that being alone meant wanting to disconnect.
The book Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone, emphasizes the importance of choice. People who are forced to be isolated, like prisoners in solitary confinement, react very differently to solitude, compared to people who escape to their own space in search of peace and quiet.
So single people may not necessarily want less connection. They may simply want to control the quantity, quality and timing of their connections.
And sometimes that’s what we single people want. Not criticism, not therapy, not challenge…just assurance that we’re worthwhile human beings.
So maybe I’m the one who’s missing out on the benefits of communicating with my cat. Alas, when I try to tell her about my day, she’s more interested in playing with her favorite toy mouse. I have to conclude that we’re outliers.
