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Many years ago, I told a teaching colleague that I’d signed up for a course on understanding ballet. I was just making conversation. She looked daggers at me and said, “It’s nice that you have time for these things. I have a relationship.”
Now that I’m further along on the journey, I’d be tempted to say, “Oh, I’m sorry! That must be so time-consuming.” Perhaps it’s just as well that I was too surprised and bewildered to say anything. I’d have been eaten alive
.In her book, Single by Choice, Annette Smith describes a single person she calls “Suzanne.” Suzanne loved family gatherings until her “Aunt Tina” would swoop down with “ticking clock” warnings and invitations to meet her dentist’s son.
Smith concludes, “It’s about standing your ground with charm and wit and sometimes, even transforming awkward encounters into moments of genuine connection.”
That works most of the time, but sometimes you have to use humor and snark.
Craig Wynne, a scholar who’s studied single people and a member of our 10K-person Facebook group, answers the “Are you married?” question with, “My cat is named Chester.”
And as a twenty-something with a travel-heavy job, I would answer that question with, “Why be a maid when you can have one?”
These examples showcase the different ways that we single people deal with verbal microaggressions, which Mental Health America defines as “indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group.”
Don’t let the term “micro” fool you. Small actions and words can have enormous impact. It’s especially hard for newly single people who are unprepared for the avalanche. NPR titled an article bluntly, “Microaggressions are a big deal.”
The fact that they’re often unintentional doesn’t make it easier.
Microaggressions tend to be based on misguided assumptions about single people, rather than simple prejudice.
I think they’re based on the deficit narrative: assuming being single is all about what we don’t have and what we’re missing. Many people – or most people in certain environments – are completely unaware that being single can be desirable, joyful, and fulfilling.
People who initiate micro-aggressions often honestly believe that being single is a lesser state, born of necessity and leading to misery. They genuinely pity us.
Once, after an injury, a doctor asked me nervously, “But how do you get groceries?”
I like to think I don’t exactly look like a starving specimen. And we’re living in one of the largest cities in the US with at least half a dozen grocery delivery services. Sometimes it’s hard to keep a straight face.
Happily single people prepare for microaggressions.
I have an article, “12 questions never to ask a single person.” Almost every single person I’ve met is familiar with those questions. They’re annoying. They can seem invasive, especially if they’re family, like Aunt Tina in the example above..
What I think is important is recognizing the thought process behind verbal microaggressions – the beliefs people hold when they encounter single people.
I’m encouraged by the increasing number of people writing books, making YouTube videos and Facebook reels, writing articles, and even creating courses. Hopefully, we will benefit from the increased exposure.
These verbal microaggressions may never go away completely, but hopefully we’ll experience fewer examples as the world becomes more aware.
Meanwhile, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no wrong way to respond. Snark seems perfectly acceptable, especially for the most egregious examples, with a dash of humor and deflection when you want to tiptoe gently around the well-meaning friends and family
