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Someone writes: “At my age I should move to assisted living.” That age could be 62, 75, 81, or 92. The only reason they give for that decision is their age.
A doctor told me, “My parents did fine till they were 80. Then things fell apart and I had to put them in a nursing home.”
My friend told me his mother felt “done” at 67: she faced a cancer diagnosis, hated the hospital and was ready to go. “She just gave up and wanted to go,” he said.
And they get responses like: “But that’s so young!” Or “I’m much older and I’m doing great!”
In fact, these stories suggest that people experience a threshold moment: there’s no longer a continuation of “life as we know it” and instead it’s “the beginning of the end.”
Here’s the catch: this threshold doesn’t occur at the same age for everyone.
When the 80 year olds faced down the possibility of a nursing home, it wasn’t because they were 80; they just happened to be 80 at the threshold moment. The age when it happens is determined by a combination of luck, heredity, accidents, and in some cases, lifestyle.
For some people that moment can come when they’re very old.
Australian scientist David Goodall sought help with assisted dying in Switzerland when he was 104: life no longer held meaning.
Olga Kotelko never stopped competing in senior track and field events till she was in her 90s — and was stopped only when she died unexpectedly of a brain clot.
In the book Being Mortal, Atul Gawande says each person has a different answer to the question, “What will make life meaningful for you?” One man said he wants to be kept alive if he can eat chocolate ice cream and watch football; a woman wanted to be able to get on the floor and play with her grandchildren.
I’ve always said my moment will be when I can’t walk to exercise class on my own twice a week or when I have one too many medical appointments.
The threshold moment comes with a wide variety of markers, milestones and situations. But it has nothing to do with calendar age.
Saying, “It’s time to do this because I’m 62” or “It won’t be time till I’m 90” is missing the point. One person’s critical milestone is something that another person won’t notice. I think it’s important to respect a person’s sense that their threshold has come, even if it doesn’t make sense to you when you hear it said aloud.
