Photo by Denitsa Kireva on Pexels.

This article from the NYT at first doesn’t seem to be about single people. It’s about people who have children who seek non-biological non-romantic “coparents.”

Whatever you think of the idea of co-parenting, it’s made me realize that modern adults are looking for solutions to life’s challenges outside the traditional family structure and traditional institutions

For example, we hire services to do things when we don’t have family; I get my groceries delivered instead of asking a family member to pick up some items at the grocery store on their way home. People are turning to “life ministers” instead of traditional clergy when they want to get married.

The traditional family works for some people, and when it works, it seems to work better than other solutions. But what if it doesn’t? I just saw a French movie (Driving Madeleine) about a woman whose husband was abusive before women could get divorced on the grounds of domestic violence.

We’re seeing more discussion about estrangement. Oprah had a controversial podcast episode on this topic, but one psychologist she interviewed pointed out that today, people are too stressed to”work through” these issues. She also noted that the entitlement that goes with a family role (“she’s my sister, so she deserves X”) isn’t recognized by a lot of people.

Sadly our society doesn’t always have substitutes. Rules that require teens to deal with their parents on sensitive issues won’t make sense if the parent is abusive. And the medical system assumes we have people on call 24/7 who will risk losing their job to be with someone who needs care.

Being single means saying, “I want something different than what our grandparents were allowed to have.” And so do these other things.

What other ways do you see traditional family and social norms changing? I find this topic intriguing.

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Image by Paul Bryan on Unsplash.

Recently, I read an article by someone I admire—let’s call him Bruce.

This time, though, I didn’t admire his message. Bruce was writing about his sister—let’s call her Teresa—who chose to distance herself from their family.

Teresa married, moved away, and joined a new religion. Then she cut ties. She didn’t want to talk to her parents. She didn’t want to see her brothers. She simply… walked away.

Bruce was furious. He couldn’t accept her decision. He was convinced she was secretly miserable and unhappy.

Another sibling, “Bob,” tried to reconcile. He traveled to see her. Teresa refused to meet. She sent him away.

Bruce’s conclusion? “She needs to work on forgiveness,” he said. “She claims she’s happier now, but I don’t believe it.”

Here’s what I’d like to say to Bruce—and to anyone struggling to understand family estrangement:

Estrangement Is Far More Common Than We Think

We’re in the middle of what some experts are calling an “estrangement epidemic.” For example:

• A popular self-help podcast host recently revealed that family estrangement is the number-one issue his listeners call in about.
• Writing in The Atlantic, psychologist Joshua Coleman explains that the meaning of family has shifted. In past generations, families stayed connected out of duty—or out of shared land, culture, or economics. Today, we value emotional safety and personal growth. If a relationship feels toxic, many people simply walk away.
• In the UK, there’s even a nonprofit dedicated solely to supporting people who are estranged from their families—either by choice or by force.

The takeaway? Teresa isn’t a villain. She’s part of a much larger trend.

Most Estrangement Isn’t Symmetrical

When friends talk to me about estrangement, I often notice that the emotions aren’t balanced. One side is desperate to reconnect. The other wants nothing to do with it.

Sometimes the rejected family members lash out, asking, “Why are you doing this to us?”—as if their pain should override the other person’s boundaries. And as if the estranged person owes them somethng.

A friend once said to me, “He’s my only brother. We just have each other.”

And I wanted to ask gently: What does that mean to you now? Do you want him at your birthday party? Do you want him in in your hospital room when you wake up from surgery? Do you trust him to make end-of-life decisions for you? Or are you clinging to an idea of family that no longer fits the reality?

We Need to Respect People’s Choices—Even When It Hurts

This part is hard. But it’s essential.

If someone—family or friend—chooses to cut you out, there may be nothing you can do. And even if you believe you did nothing wrong, repairing the relationship might not be possible.

At some point, you have to ask: Is it worth the energy to fight for reconciliation—or is it better to accept the loss and build something new elsewhere?

Because sometimes, estrangement happens not out of hatred or trauma, but simply because life has moved on. People change. Values shift. You become ships passing in the night.

And that can hurt. But it doesn’t always mean someone’s broken or bitter. Sometimes, it just means they’ve made peace with a new direction—and they’re not looking back.

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Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash: This could be YOUR holiday!

Someone posted a question in one of my groups: “What do I tell people when I decline their Thanksgiving invitations? I don’t have a real conflict. I just want to be alone.”

The question was posted last week. And I was a little startled.

At one time, people felt very sorry for friends who had no place to go for the holidays. It was especially pitiful if the loners were very young, such as college students. At one point I started going overseas for the holidays because nobody feels sorry for you when you say, “Sorry, can’t come. I’ll be in Madrid.”

But in 2024, I know lots of people who are saying openly, “I don’t want to be with family on the holidays.” We’re seeing lots of “Friendsgiving” celebrations where people come together as friends, not blood relationships. We’re seeing individuals and families who go skiing, traveling, camping or seeking adventure.

I went to an exercise class the day after Thanksgiving. One woman said, “I spent the day alone with my dog.” She had grown children in the area. She donated a dish to their celebration. But she didn’t go.

“It felt a little odd,” she said, “but I enjoyed myself. Maybe next year I’ll want to rejoin the family.”

If you read advice columns (which I do avidly), they almost always include questions like this: “How can I keep my guest list under 20 people?” or, “How can I avoid inviting my obnoxious freeloading brother-in-law?” or, “Whose family do we visit this year without offending the ones we don’t?” You’ll also see questions about misbehaving children and unwanted allergy-generating dogs.

The world has changed. I know lots of people who proudly identify as atheists, agnostics, or otherwise unchurched. They see Christmas as just another day (except how to tell the kids there’s no Santa).

I know lots of people who’d rather get a root canal than spend any holiday with their families. Professional women do not always see themselves as playing a primary role in preparing a holiday meal (and sometimes they just don’t have time)

Blended families? Who doesn’t know at least one?  Sometimes the question of “where” becomes more important than “what.”

Most importantly, the adults I know do not think of themselves as “waifs” or “strays.” They do not want to spend a day of their precious time feeling pitied. They do not want to spend a day making small talk with strangers.

If they’re single, they’re not eager to be seated at the kids’ table or with a group of enthusiastically married couples who ask them intrusive questions. When asked “When will you be married,” most people I know feel comfortable saying “Never.” Some will even feel comfortable saying, “Frankly, it’s really none of your business.”h”

And I know a lot of people who say, “My cat Fluffy is my child. I don’t want another one.” You may not like it, but hey, you asked.

We still get questions from people who say, “I’m all alone on the holiday.”

If you’re alone and grieving a death, you have grief issues. Hopefully, you’re working on those, with help, if you need it. That’s beyond my scope.

But suppose you’re alone and you’re operating on a tired old message: “There’s something wrong with you if you don’t have family around you on the holidays.” Then it’s time to discard the message. Do you really want to spend the day making small talk with people who feel sorry for you?

We also don’t need people to feel good about themselves by volunteering. Many soup kitchens have more help than they need, so you’ll feel even worse.

Anyway, you can’t just walk into most places and expect to be welcomed as a volunteer. I see dozens of suggestions to volunteer at an animal shelter…without going through a training course. I even saw one article suggesting you “hold a baby in the NICU.” Are they nuts?

So, in the end, the world has changed. We have fewer nuclear families who hold dinners that could be painted by Norman Rockwell. We recognize that sometimes blood is not thicker than water.

If you don’t have one of those Norman Rockwell families you have an opportunity. You have a free weekend to do whatever you want, alone or with people you really want to be with.

You don’t need to be exhausted trying to please someone’s expectations. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “No thank you” and hiding away with a good book if you are single and/or have grown children who don’t need you.

It’s a free weekend! Find your favorite activity and go do it. No apologies needed. And no need to explain: you’re not alone.

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Image by Jess Bailey on Unsplash. It looks beautiful…but could it be poison?

You haven’t heard from your friend in months. She hasn’t returned your calls. He tried to block your messages.

Or maybe you had a fight with someone and you want to restore the relationship.

So you send a gift. A nice gift you know they’ll like. You hope they’ll be so impressed by the gift they’ll want to reconcile.

Wrong.

A poison gift is one that comes across as manipulative. It’s not given out of pure sentiment. You hope the recipient will do something in return, or at least be moved to be friends again.

Or it’s a regift that doesn’t reflect what they know about you. It’s really about them.

It’s even more common with relatives. My friend’s brother totally disappeared when she needed help. Instead of helping her when she needed support, he sent a gift of flowers. She gave them away.

I’ve done the same thing with poison gifts.

Often the sender sends the gift with the best of intentions. They honestly don’t realize what they’re doing.  They may not know there’s a better way.

First, send a gift you know will delight the recipient. If you don’t know their tastes, you probably don’t know them well enough to send a gift. Ask a mutual friend or ask probing questions. “I hope they’ll like it” isn’t going to cut it. Why send a bad gift? I say it’s better to send nothing.

I’ve gotten tea sets when I rarely drink tea; I’m a coffee person. I’ve gotten plants when I can’t grow anything. I got a wall picture of a diver when (a) my walls were full and (b) I don’t like water. I give these things away.

Second, if you want to restore a friendship, ask directly. Invite them out for coffee or a meal (and you pay). Or send a nice letter. Say something like, “I’d like us both to work on building this relationship.”

The other person can say no. They’re adults who choose how. to spend their time. Even if it’s baffling to you, they. may choose not to engage.

Your life will go on. If someone has ghosted you, find new people to add to your life.

They don’t owe you an explanation. Sometimes they don’t have one. Or it may not have anything to do with you. They don’t want to fix it. You can’t force them. It’s time to move on.

Maybe they’ll come back some day and maybe they won’t, Either way, a gift won’t make a difference. In fact, it may drive the wedge deeper.

That’s been my experience and it’s something important to remember, especially at Christmas.

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