Image by Paul Bryan on Unsplash.
Recently, I read an article by someone I admire—let’s call him Bruce.
This time, though, I didn’t admire his message. Bruce was writing about his sister—let’s call her Teresa—who chose to distance herself from their family.
Teresa married, moved away, and joined a new religion. Then she cut ties. She didn’t want to talk to her parents. She didn’t want to see her brothers. She simply… walked away.
Bruce was furious. He couldn’t accept her decision. He was convinced she was secretly miserable and unhappy.
Another sibling, “Bob,” tried to reconcile. He traveled to see her. Teresa refused to meet. She sent him away.
Bruce’s conclusion? “She needs to work on forgiveness,” he said. “She claims she’s happier now, but I don’t believe it.”
Here’s what I’d like to say to Bruce—and to anyone struggling to understand family estrangement:
Estrangement Is Far More Common Than We Think
We’re in the middle of what some experts are calling an “estrangement epidemic.” For example:
- A popular self-help podcast host recently revealed that family estrangement is the number-one issue his listeners call in about.
- Writing in The Atlantic, psychologist Joshua Coleman explains that the meaning of family has shifted. In past generations, families stayed connected out of duty—or out of shared land, culture, or economics. Today, we value emotional safety and personal growth. If a relationship feels toxic, many people simply walk away.
- In the UK, there’s even a nonprofit dedicated solely to supporting people who are estranged from their families—either by choice or by force.
The takeaway? Teresa isn’t a villain. She’s part of a much larger trend.
Most Estrangement Isn’t Symmetrical
When friends talk to me about estrangement, I often notice that the emotions aren’t balanced. One side is desperate to reconnect. The other wants nothing to do with it.
Sometimes the rejected family members lash out, asking, “Why are you doing this to us?”—as if their pain should override the other person’s boundaries. And as if the estranged person owes them somethng.
A friend once said to me, “He’s my only brother. We just have each other.”
And I wanted to ask gently: What does that mean to you now? Do you want him at your birthday party? Do you want him in in your hospital room when you wake up from surgery? Do you trust him to make end-of-life decisions for you? Or are you clinging to an idea of family that no longer fits the reality?
We Need to Respect People’s Choices—Even When It Hurts
This part is hard. But it’s essential.
If someone—family or friend—chooses to cut you out, there may be nothing you can do. And even if you believe you did nothing wrong, repairing the relationship might not be possible.
At some point, you have to ask: Is it worth the energy to fight for reconciliation—or is it better to accept the loss and build something new elsewhere?
Because sometimes, estrangement happens not out of hatred or trauma, but simply because life has moved on. People change. Values shift. You become ships passing in the night.
And that can hurt. But it doesn’t always mean someone’s broken or bitter. Sometimes, it just means they’ve made peace with a new direction—and they’re not looking back.
