Image by Emma Simpson on Unsplash.
Every time I read posts in mastermind groups, I see the same refrains.
“I feel so lonely.”
“I don’t have anyone to share experiences with.”
“I just moved and I can’t make friends.”
“My grown children never call me. I’m thinking of moving closer to them.”
Well-meaning readers rush in with advice:
“Join a group where you’ll meet people.”
“Volunteer.”
“Find people like yourself.”
These tips rarely touch the real issue. Making friends—or learning to be content without them—requires a shift in mindset.
We’ve been taught some unhelpful stories:
“If I don’t have friends, something must be wrong with me.”
“I deserve friends; people should show up for me.”
I’ve moved often—across cities, careers, and communities. Every move meant losing connections and needing to start fresh. Over time I discovered a simple truth: “Friends are like bank loans. They come easily when you don’t need them.”
Here are three ways to rewrite your story.
1. Reframe being alone into embracing solitude.
We’re conditioned to see “social” as normal and “solitary” as abnormal. Yet Anthony Storr, a British psychiatrist, challenged this decades ago in his book, Solitude. He points out that Freud wrote of love and work. Yet society (and most psychologists) focus on love only.
If you enjoy your own company, loneliness rarely takes hold. You’re busy, engaged, and self-contained. And here’s the paradox: the more absorbed you are in your own pursuits, the more magnetic you become.
Neediness repels. Self-sufficiency attracts. I know people who complained endlessly that their kids never called—until they got so busy with their own projects that suddenly their phone wouldn’t stop ringing.
2. Choose activities for you, not for “future friends.”
People join churches, hobby clubs, or singles groups “because they’re good places to meet people.” Sometimes it works; often it doesn’t.
Why? Because the subtext is neediness. And when no friends materialize, the whole effort feels wasted.
Instead, pick activities you’d love regardless of the social payoff. Sports leagues, ceramics, improv, hiking—if you’d show up even if you didn’t meet a soul, you’re in the right place. Ironically, that’s also when friendships are most likely to form.
3. Recognize when the setting is wrong.
Some places make connection impossible. Certain cities are cliquish. Some cultures revolve entirely around family. Workplaces differ, too: in one office, everyone eats lunch alone; in another, you’re expected to treat coworkers as extended family.
You can’t rewire a culture. You might find a few like-minded souls, but you’ll always feel the friction.
That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. I’ve lived in cities where no one invited me into a circle, and in others where people saw me as “cool.” I was the same person.
If you’re tied down for work, you may need coping strategies until you can leave. One of my clients endured a remote posting by scheduling weekly coaching calls; otherwise, he said, he’d have quit—or lost his mind.
If you can move, don’t be shamed by the cliché, “If you can’t be happy here, you won’t be happy anywhere.” Sometimes the geographical cure is exactly what works.
Don’t believe the headlines.
Articles love to paint loneliness as inevitable, especially in older age. Look closer.
The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine found that one-quarter of people over 65 report social isolation. That means three-quarters do not.
Another study from Boston College’s Sloan Center showed that 92% of people ages 55–64—and 76% of those 65 and older—were engaged in paid work, caregiving, volunteering, or learning.
The myth of inevitable decline is convenient for someone, but it’s not the truth.
Loneliness isn’t a life sentence. Solitude can be a strength, and friendships are easier when they’re not born of desperation.
This post was inspired by my book Making The Big Move (Kindle, also free on Kindle Unlimited). It’s about the psychology of moving. My other book on aging stereotypes also dives into the myths and statistics about “being old and lonely.”
